2017 has been a tumultuous year. Anyone reading headlines or with any connection to a social media platform can tell you this. I don't think many of us have been unaffected by the past year in one way or another. For me, it was chaotic in different ways. Some were good chaotic moments, like starting a new job. Others, not as great-like the stress of job searching and dealing with some depression.
I want to start off with the good things though. The main event this past year that was good was the addition of my new niece, Charlotte Mae. Anyone who knows me knows I talk about my nieces and nephew all the time; being an Aunt is one of my favorite things! Most of you probably know that I spent the first two years of her life with my first niece Caitlin, getting to babysit her, hang out with her and my sister, and just in general be around a lot. It's the one part of my Mississippi journey I look back on with fondness, and is something I would do all over again if given the choice. Charlie Mae came into the world on August 28th. She's just the best little baby and I adore her, as I adore Caitlin and Carter. I must admit they have me wrapped around their finger(s). I spent a few days with my sister, brother-in-law and the kids about a month after Charlie's birth, and it was time so well spent.
I also started a new job. This was both good and bad-not really "bad" per se, but the road getting there was pretty difficult. For months prior to starting this new job, I had had to come to terms with some things about myself as a person and as a veterinary technician. I suffered from burn out before coming to work in Amarillo in 2016, and for a while the job change (and location change) helped tremendously. I thought that I could achieve 5+ years with my job at CAH, because their techs are utilized and expected to use the skills they've learned (imagine that!)! I enjoyed getting to stretch my abilities, learning new ones, and grow myself as an individual/technician. But after a year, I just started to feel deflated again and I could not put my finger on why. I don't want this to be a poor reflection on my bosses-I had great bosses and co workers there and there are times I miss how we worked together! Yet the cold, hard reality of veterinary technicians is this: they are overworked, underpaid, and not compensated for what they do. When I say "not compensated", I'm talking retirement, benefits, etc. that are just not available via private businesses (usually). I knew this going into the field. I knew about compassion fatigue early on-in fact, I'm pretty sure I remember having some lectures on it in my first semester of tech school. You'd be a fool not to have your eyes wide open going into this type of career! Many people develop this idea of what they think it'd be like and they're usually far off the mark of reality. It's not all puppies and kittens-it's often cursing/angry clients, difficult conversations about money, diagnoses, and treatments; it's long hours and the reality that you just can't save every animal that walks through your doors, even if you spend hours, time and effort on them to help! I will say, not all clients are difficult, but some of them I think unknowingly make our jobs difficult because of their attitudes, comments, etc. But the majority of our clients were awesome and they would treat us well because we treated their pets and them well.
However, I was tired. Tired of caring. Tired of having to bite my tongue when a client would denigrate me for sticking to my hospital's or doctors' policies. Tired of always feeling like I was never good enough for a client, or feeling like a failure when a mistake was made, even if it didn't result in any damage to the client or animal. Probably the most telling moment when I realized I was not where I needed to be came in the form of a conversation with a co-worker. We were in a spot where we weren't working well together-I was primarily to blame for this. She told me, "Look, I know you're not happy here. I can tell every time you come into work." Ouch. For a day or two, I really resented that remark because I was still trying to lie to myself and say, "This is just a phase; I'll get through it." But after weeks of it NOT getting better, my unhappiness only getting worse, and yes, I fell into depression, I finally had to admit, I no longer love the career I worked so hard for. This just by itself was a difficult admission just to MYSELF. I'd wanted to work with/for animals for so long (for me), starting in 2008. I'd moved to Mississippi for heaven's sake to pursue this dream, and went to the trouble of taking a national and state technician exam, not to mention paying extra to switch my RVT to LVT. Just thinking of the time, the effort, and the money put into what I'd accomplished made me kick against even the thought of doing something else. Guys, I knew that I wouldn't be rich and famous when I pursued being a vet tech. I didn't care! It was something I was passionate about, and I could not wait to get into practice. Most of you, regardless of your field of study, know what I'm talking about. I was a crusading vet tech (as my family will testify to), and nothing could get in my way of achieving my dream. So when I looked at having to leave it, because I simply could NOT continue on, I fought. I felt like I was betraying myself, betraying those who had supported me throughout the years, betraying the people who believed in me and encouraged me to pursue this dream. That was my key emotion through all of this: BETRAYAL. How dare I consider doing something else, when all I'd wanted was what I was doing?
I've never admitted this to anybody because I brushed it off at the time. I was NOT suicidal. I never once thought how to end my life, or anything like that. But I DID wonder, "if I didn't wake up in the morning, would people even miss me? How long would it take for them to realize I'm not there? Would people even care to attend my funeral?" That's when I realized: enough is enough. I cannot keep doing this, even if choosing something else feels like betrayal. My college career had started back (ugh), so I thought I'd be spending the next 2.5 years working to get my medical laboratory technician certificate. Going back to school wasn't my ideal-I actually resisted this quite a lot because I detested the thought of going back to school. Needless to say, I'm glad my one (and hopefully final one ever!) class is over with. Back to my emotional state though-this is about the time I decided I needed to tell SOMEBODY how depressed I was. I reached out to a couple of close friends, one who is studying for Biblical counseling, to have breakfast here in town one Saturday. Being able to talk about how I was feeling, and sharing some of my personal struggles is not easy for me. Yet when I felt like I was physicallly suffocating because of my job, I knew I needed to come clean. They listened, prayed for me, and encouraged me with their own journey(s). One thing I shared with them was how apathetic I felt about absolutely everything in life. No matter what I tried, I could not care about anything or anybody around me. I hated the clients, I hated my job, I hated the animals, I hated my life. I should also mention that during all of these months, I was not walking with God the way I should have been. I'm not going to sit here and say that my emotional issues were due just to my sinful state-nor am I going to claim that my emotional issues could be resolved WITHOUT the God I serve. I believe there is a place for medical doctors to step in and help, and I believe that God is the Great Physician over all. However, I also firmly believe that sin can come between us and God, and it can hurt us tremendously. Sin wrecking lives is evident in present day and throughout history.
In summary, the things that were dragging me down were: a) state of my finances-when you worry about whether or not you can pay your rent every month because your hours are less than they were last month, this stresses you out incredibly. And when you never know how many hours you'll be scheduled, you never know how much your paychecks are going to be. B) losing my healthcare at the beginning of the year because I was turning 26 and my parents couldn't carry me on theirs after January 1. Yeah. I could NOT afford any health insurance on my previous salary. C) my own sinfulness-I had disregarded my line of communication with God through neglecting Bible study and praying; once I realized how far I'd strayed, God has been working to restore me to a faithful state to Him. This is one reason I pursued getting into a Bible study through my church, I needed some help getting back into studying the Word and searching for the answers in that instead of in myself (which is what I had resorted to, in all honesty). D) A new job. My classmates in tech school could probably tell you that I was going to be the last person EVER to work in a laboratory setting. I used to think it would be so boring to work in a lab, not getting one-on-one interaction with animals, etc. (my passion was food animal/cattle, and when this was taken away from me at a job I really believe this is when this cycle started). Now, I work in a [veterinary] diagnostic laboratory and I really like it. I have a long, long ways to go before I'm even close to being proficient in everything, but I feel like I've come a ways just in the almost two months I've been there. Did I mention I'm also working full time with benefits, paid holidays/sick/vacation? Yep. Oh, and retirement because it's a government institution. It may not be as "exciting" as private practice, but my slight pay increase along with working full time has been a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders. This job came at the perfect moment, when I was at the point I was ready to quit my previous one and work at Walmart until I could find something better.
I'm incredibly blessed by a church and friends who I feel love me like family. I love them like family. I can call on them if/when I need them, and as church settings go, I have never been happier than where I am right now. I want to brag on my church's staff for a second, they just have hearts for others and serving others that it's something I want to emulate. I told our worship pastor this, but he has been one of the reasons I've come back again and again to choir. He always teaches the Word, and inevitably it's always something I'm needing to hear in that moment. While we were preparing for last Easter's musical, there was one night where he had us break into groups to pray. One of the sweetest ladies I know prayed, and though she didn't realize it, she was praying for something I was going through and the feelings I was experiencing right then. I am not ashamed to say I completely broke down into tears in front of several other people. These ladies just loved on me in that moment and I knew they were praying for me. I've had people that I barely knew before last fall become some of the best people in my life. God is great, and He knows who to put in our lives so He can work through them. most of these women probably don't even know how God used them to minister to me when I was hurting. If you prayed for me, encouraged me, supported me during the last year at TBC, then THANK YOU so, so much! I love each and every one of you as my church family and as brothers/sisters in Christ.
Let me say this: my apathy and depression have not completely gone away. I struggle with them each and every day, and some days is worse than others. But I saw the warning signs of compassion fatigue and GOT OUT when I could BEFORE it got any worse. Fellow technicians, veterinarians: if you're feeling worn out, like you can't do your job any more, or you feel like you will scream if you have to step back into your job on a day to day basis, you are NOT ALONE. Please do not let pride or stubbornness get in your way of getting help. Even if you are just turning to friends outside of your work, TELL SOMEONE. I'm begging you not to be a statistic, because almost every veterinary professional knows that veterinary medicine has one of the highest rates of suicide in the nation. You are NOT turning your back on what you love or what you've loved just because you are no longer who you were in vet school. It's okay to admit that this is no longer your passion. You are not a failure, you are not inadequate, you need to make sure YOU are healthy overall, and mental/emotional health is one of the most important things you can take care of. One of the hardest things to do is to admit there is something wrong, but it's okay. If you need help, or you're feeling worn down by your job, talk to someone about it. Don't keep it bottled inside.
And most of all, if you are a Christian and you're struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts, talk to your pastor BUT also consider talking to a medical doctor. There is nothing sinful about pursuing medical help with depression. Please don't let judgmental people stop you from getting the help you need. Just remember that God is Healer, and He probably won't remove you from your circumstances, but use your circumstances to draw you closer to Him. He has never really removed me from the circumstances or made my life all roses and rainbows, but has called on me to keep trusting Him through the storms. One of the sermon series we had at our church last summer was on Psalm 23, and I was able to recently catch up on the sermon about the valley of the shadow of death. The pastor made a point I'd never considered: that the Shepherd promises to lead us through the valley of the shadow of death. "He never leads us where He hasn't already gone before." He's already been there, in that valley, and that's why He's able to lead us through it. It's also only the shadow of death-shadows can't harm you, right? It's because as Christians, Christ has already overcome the darkness-Satan still has dominion right now in this world, but ultimately, Satan is the loser in the spiritual battle being waged. Things may not get better, in fact, things will probably get worse before they get better if you're in a hard part of your life. But the great thing is, we never have to walk those hard parts alone because we're accompanied by a Savior who loved us enough to die on the cross for our sins.
THAT'S amazing grace, isn't it?!
I hope 2018 is a smoother year, but if not, I can rest in the knowledge that I know a God Who is King of the universe.
