Sick in Your Spirit

Have you ever felt sick in your spirit? Like, you're sick, but there's no physical symptoms? I've been that way for a long time. I know the source of it: my walk with the Lord is suffering. All my reactions to anything and everything are tied into how well my walk is going. When my walk suffers, I suffer. Today is just another reminder of how much I've failed, not only as a Christian, but as a person.

While this may not be directly tied into the topic, since about 11 a.m. this morning, I've been feeling really upset, lonely, depressed, and angry. Why? Why would I start feeling that way during church? Well...it's a little hard not to when you have been alienated from kids your own age, partly by my own choice, partly by the lies of other people and their actions. Part of it I've done on my own, because I'm not a people person, and I like my independence. But, no person likes to remain completely alone. I like to hang out, I like to have friends over. My problem is, my friends all live 2 or 3 hours away. It's hard to get together when your schedule conflicts constantly with your parents' schedules. And now, since my mom is working, it's getting tougher. I just feel...left out. I am not really sure how to explain what I feel like right now. I want to cry, but tears just won't come. I was sitting completely alone during church. I know I shouldn't expect people to just buddy up to me. I don't. But it would be nice if I was treated like everyone else instead of "the preacher's daughter." It's a curse. I hate it. One of the youth treated me differently during VBS, and now, it's like VBS never even happened. Is there something wrong with me?

This is why, if I have the choice, I will never marry a preacher because I would rather die an old maid then put myself or my kids through something like this. I hate the life that comes with being in the ministry. I hate the political garbage I and my parents have to deal with nonstop. If you're going into the ministry, don't get married. Your wife will regret it.