When You Reach the End.

I haven't blogged in over a month. It's been pretty busy around my house! School takes up most of my thinking time, and I've been sick over a week, but never fear I think I'm finally getting over it. An update on school: I've been so frustrated with my online courses. I never think I can do enough for my teachers, and it's driving me crazy. But I'm going to keep up with it and not let it get the better of me. Sunday marked not only Valentine's Day, but also the official start to the NASCAR season! I was so excited for NASCAR to start back up, even with all the disappointment of last season, but I think I've realized that no matter how much I dislike some things in the sport, NASCAR is in my blood now. I will always be a fan.

I've reached a point in my life where I've felt at the end of my rope so many times. I've felt so helpless, hopeless, and desperate that I didn't know what to do...there are days when I just sink into depression, Sundays being one of those days. Regardless of what committments I've made in reference to dating, I still find myself becoming impatient. Recently, I found out that a guy I like(d) has a girlfriend. Just randomly, I found out about it. It hurt. The first thing I thought was, "This is what following my convictions has done to you. You missed out on this guy, and now you are paying for it. Some God you follow!" and then I thought, "But I never had a chance with him anyway. Why am I crying about it?" I never had a chance with this guy, and deep down I knew it. I knew we wouldn't go anywhere, but it's still a disappointment. Sometimes I laugh at myself because what I feel like a little girl; I feel so immature sometimes that it embarrasses me. I can't tell you if God has something in store for me because right now, I don't even believe it. To be perfectly honest, I can't trust God right now. I don't trust Him right now. I go through periods where it's hard for me to even believe He's real. I know He's real. I just happen to be going through a period of doubt about it.

My comment about dating is probably one that makes you think, "huh?" so I'll give you a paragraph: I don't think you should date in high school. It's a pointless activity. You're not ready to get married or engaged, so why immerse yourself into a relationship? I don't think you should be dating numerous people either; why give away your heart piece by piece (and girls especially get emotionally involved) to guys who you'll probably never see again? I'd rather date one or two guys instead of ten or twenty and give away pieces of my heart that I won't get back. A silly belief of mine is that you shouldn't kiss while you're dating or engaged. I know that's old fashioned, but I feel like kissing is a piece of your virginity that once you give it away, it's gone. I'd like for my first kiss to be on my wedding day. I'm holding off on dating until God shows me, one way or another, that He's placed somebody in my life that He wants me to be with; and I want the guy to make the first move, I'm not going to be a boy chaser. Ever. I was once asked how I would get the right guy if I didn't date. I replied, "I didn't say I wouldn't date. I said I would WAIT to date UNTIL God showed me He was ready for me to date." I was also asked, "Well what if your husband is a lousy kisser if you don't kiss him until your wedding?" To which I responded, "It won't matter. Not to mention, I won't know he's lousy because he'd be my first" (I mean duh!).

There's probably more to all that, but that's the basics. Those are things that, five years ago, God laid on my heart. I'm a stick-in-the-mud and I know it. Most of the time i don't mind it. Well that's enough for now...my fingers are getting tired of typing, and I doubt people read this anyway. :p haha.